You think sexual harassment is rampant, date rape pervasive, domestic violence common and Paula Jones is lying. You hate Hillary jokes.
You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend the killing of unborn children as an expression of choice. You think trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize and the fetus is a blob of protoplasm.
You are convinced that Frank Capra films and Norman Rockwell paintings are lies and distortions but "Platoon," "Dances with Wolves" and "Thelma and Louise" are realistic. You thought Walt Disney was saccharine sweet and terminally cutesy-pie - until it made "Pocahontas."
You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental authority, while sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism are values-neutral.
You agonize over threats to the natural environment (acid rain, toxic waste) but are oblivious to threats to the social environment (pornography, promiscuity, and family dissolution).
You want to legalize cocaine and outlaw handguns. You think cops are pigs and criminals are products of their environment. You believe the National Rifle Association helps criminals while the American Civil Liberties Union protects the innocent.
You think Rush Limbaugh is responsible for the Oklahoma City bombing but are outraged by suggestions that Ted Kaczynski (the suspected Unabomber) and Al Gore have anything in common.
Jesse Jackson makes sense to you. Barbra Streisand makes even more sense. You think Herblock cartoons are funny and Janet Reno is totally hot.
You believe corporate profits are obscene but government spending is too low and the American people are undertaxed. You think deficits are caused by tax loopholes.
You think marriage is obsolete - except for homosexuals. You believe homosexuality is genetically determined, but fascism and spouse abuse aren't. You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.
You considers the Catholic bishops noble and idealistic when they oppose capital punishment and welfare cuts but dangerous fanatics trying to legislate their theology when they defend the right to life.
You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform hate the poor and opponents of affirmative action hate minorities, but AIDS activists who bash the pope and People for the American Way types who go psycho over Protestant "fundamentalists" are guardians of democracy.
You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional racism and the legacies of slavery and segregation. You think the black middle class is a myth created by Newt Gingrich.
You view race riots as justifiable expressions of rage over injustice and fail to see the similarities between a black mob burning a Korean store and a white mob in the Jim Crow era lynching a black man.
You don't understand all of the whining about affirmative action and are more than willing to sacrifice someone else's employment or education opportunity to assuage your guilt.
You marched against American involvement in Vietnam, thought the Gulf war was unnecessary but believe 25,000 U.S. troops in Bosnia are vital to our national interests.
You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy, judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse. But you believe Richard Nixon is responsible for everything horrible that's happened in the past quarter-century.
You think those child-abusing, religious fanatics at Waco had it coming but the illegal immigrants roughed up by California deputies --after leading them on a high-speed chase-- are the victims of the decade.